It's official.

As both readers of this blog know, I am single. I don't mean single in a way that implies I'm simply between relationships right now and enjoying the respite in between periods of regular sex and having to share some closet space...oh no.

I mean single in a way that suggests I need to think very carefully about what kind of pet I choose in my new home. A dog is more loyal and will take longer to eat the dead body of its master, should the master choke unexpectedly on a Cadbury's Hazelnut bar (just for an entirely random example), and her dead body is not found for several weeks.

A cat however will chow down immediately. I read this in a true-crime book about forensics, so it has to be true, and given how single I currently am...I'll be getting a dog.

I'll need the companionship, because I am right now, the only single person I know. Every human being I interact with on a daily basis has coupled. I'm not entirely sure when or how this happened, but in some instances it happened quickly. One day I'm kvetching with a co-worker about eHarmony, and the next day she's giggling and exhausted having hooked up with her across the hall neighbor. They're now an item.

I mean it when I say every person I know. The Tim Horton's lady in her sixties who calls me honey-bun? Getting married in a December wedding. My running buddy? Juggling more than one. The straight guy friend of a gay guy friend who I once thought was gay because he was wearing tight denim cut-offs and who would do that besides a gay guy and who's gained a lot of weight lately and likes to use Rock Paper Scissors as a pick-up line? Getting more ass than a boy-band. My girlfriend who just broke up with her long-time boyfriend for being a douchebag? Found somebody better.

Shouldn't I be getting some sort of special award? A certificate? Key ring perhaps? I am the last of my tribe. Once I go or fail to chew my Cadbury's as thoroughly as I should...who'll pass on my history?

Seeing as how I don't have much else to do - there's no cause for worry. I'll have time on my hands to whine and embarrass myself far into the foreseeable future so...blog postings must continue.