Hey Baby

An Open Letter to My Friend's Unborn Baby, As My Friend Has Been Pregnant Since Approximately 2008 and This Is Getting Beyond Ridiculous:

Hi Baby,

You haven't officially met me yet, but I did hug your Mama hello just the other month and since I am no stranger to the carbohydrate our bellies touched, so you can consider that like our first high five.

From one girl to another, there's nothing wrong with making an entrance. Keeping everybody waiting, knowing that when you arrive it'll be worth the wait is what classy women do.

Being fashionably late can make you memorable, get you noticed, and I fully appreciate that, being a classy woman myself.

(While we're on the subject, arriving anywhere with your fly down or toilet paper stuck to your shoe will also get you noticed, but not in a good way at all. Trust me on these two things. It's nothing you need to worry about for a while given the fact that you are still technically a fetus, but I'm just putting this out there.)

However, there comes a time when you really just need to show up. I can understand your hesitation. You have it pretty good where you are, and you may see no reason to make a change. You've grown comfortable, and I get that - but let me tell you Baby, there is so much more waiting for you.

If you're wanting to really make an entrance, I suggest arriving very quickly when your Mama is in a very public place. Unusual and public places of birth always get good media coverage, and for some reason, somebody always seems to call the fire department should a woman go into labour anywhere other than a hospital, which brings me to one of the reasons you should really hurry up and get here:

Firefighters. Now it's true, you may be too young to appreciate firefighters but they do come in both male and female options, depending on however your little mind will grow up to work. We don't judge.

Your Mama may not appreciate dropping into labour in the middle of a sidewalk somewhere, but she can take her mind off of things by asking if any of the responding emergency personnel are single on my behalf, that is if she is any kind of friend at all.

Ahem.

Don't feel pressure that your first appearance needs to be spectacular and traffic-stopping - this isn't the case.. Even if you arrive as planned in a cozy hospital room with your Mama frozen to the ears, you'll still be the most spectacular show in town.

Obviously, your Mama being frozen right up to her nostrils is a sign of her keen intelligence, as you don't have to worry about being born to some crazy hippy lady who plans on giving birth to you in a stream or something while clutching a healing stone and playing the pan flute. Your Mama is so much smarter than that, and so is your Dad, and they've waited so long to meet you.

But they're not the only people who love you already. You don't have to do anything but take your first breath of air and so many people's lives will change for the better. How many people can say they have that power?

Take your brother for instance. Yes it's true he may eventually fart on you, look at you when you don't want him to and generally be an ass-hat, but you can feel free to do the same.

You're siblings, and that's your job. There will be just as many moments that you'll be so glad you have him in your life, moments when he covers for you, moments when he protects you, makes you laugh, makes you smile when you don't think you can and makes you remember where you came from and just how lucky you are that you're linked by friendship as well as blood. Keep that in mind any time he's farting on your head - it'll get you through. Or not.

But for now, you just have one big job to do, and I know you're up for it. Your Mama started growing you in her belly a long time ago (a very, very, very long time ago) because your parents already loved you enough then to want you to experience all the things that those of us on the outside already know to be perfect.

(In addition to firefighters I suggest you also try the chocolate, the smell of freshly cut grass, stomping through puddles, laughing so hard your stomach hurts, the Ganache Torte at Milestones, dancing any way you feel like, kissing, sand between your toes, and basically the whole entire world.)

Come on out and see what all the fuss is about - you'll be so amazed you'll pee yourself.

Actually, you'll probably pee yourself anyway. Let's just address this potentially embarrassing situation right now, as you'll have a lot to learn when you get here, including the whole bladder control thing. And...ahem...bowels. It's nothing unusual - I say have some fun with it while you can.

Also, how you got into your Mama's belly is actually a really interesting story. I suggest you ask your Mama or Dad to tell you all about it very loudly and in public so that everybody around can also hear the story. Trust me, your Mama will love that.

If she doesn't tell you right away, you can call me, and I'll tell you. My version requires you be 19 or older however with written permission from your parents and a bottle of wine.

Sincerely,

Bambi

PS: I'm waiting too, and I swear to you that if you do drop a load in your diaper I will not hesitate to lovingly, and carefully hand you back over to your Mama. I wouldn't leave you hanging like that.