Let the Gong Show begin.

I'm not a big believer in the whole time healing all wounds proposition, so it's come to my attention that the only way I'm going to distract myself from my current romantic disaster is to create entirely new ones.

Relief can't come soon enough. As it is, I'm still at the point where listening to a romantic song of any kind will make me weepy so there's only three songs in the entire world right now that are safe. One of those songs is "A Boy Named Sue," and the remaining two are Weird Al classics, so I'm obviously in a very delicate state.

Therefore, it's time to try online dating again.

I just can't spend any more time wondering what it is about me that Alex doesn't want, or arguing with the well-intentioned who've debated passionately that maybe it has nothing to do with me.

And bless the hearts of those who have employed the words, "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be..." As last words go, they could have done worse. I'm sure their families might miss them, and I might miss their friendship but I reacted the only way that seemed natural at the time - even though I'm regretting not having more room in the trunk of my car right now.

Basically, I'm in desperate need of a distraction and meeting new and interesting people and then going on horrifying dates with them seems like a good idea. And so, I've written a new online ad that I'll be posting on Plenty of Fish this weekend.

The ad will read as follows:

Here’s the thing. Not really in the mood for any sort of crap, and definitely not in the mood to read one more ad from a guy who says, in summary:

“I’m not into head games, or crazy girls. I like spending time outdoors and indoors some nights too.”

(I mean…really?? You like to go outdoors sometimes, and indoors other times? How fascinating! Me too!)

I’m just a nice guy looking for a girl who’s genuine, smart, funny, and down to earth. No fatties.”

(As opposed to all of those people looking for phony, stupid and dull 800 pound shut-ins. Way to be different!)

Meanwhile, dude is pictured either shirtless or holding a guitar, and God help us all, some times both. Nothing says sensitively masculine like a half-naked guy clutching a guitar and calling women fatties. I’m getting butterflies just thinking about it. So instead of an upset feeling in my tummy, I thought I’d just go ahead and write my own ad…

I’m bat**** crazy. Seriously. I love to play games, mess with people’s heads, lie, cheat and steal. My last date ended up as the lead-off on the 6:00 news, but in my defense it was a slow news day, and I was going to come down from the top of that building on my own time -- the SWAT team didn’t have to get so testy about it. I can’t stand being outdoors for any reason. Come to think of it, I can’t stand being indoors neither so mostly I just hang out in foyers. It’s a decent compromise. I’m ridiculously phony. Nothing about me is genuine, and I have the forged birth certificate to prove it. I have no hobbies or interests of any kind. I strongly dislike good conversations or pleasures of any sort come to think of it. I prefer awkward silences and watching paint dry. I’m illiterate. In fact, I’m forcing somebody to type this for me right now by gunpoint. I can’t be in the minority!

I’m also a little sarcastic, irreverent and bored with the usual – and I hope you are too.

I'm hoping that the honest approach will pay off. Fingers crossed.