It's tourist season in Victoria. This means that on any given day I'm less than three tire rotations away from getting out of my vehicle and beating a Clydesdale horse to death with my bare hands, while a carriage full of horrified Japanese people snap pictures with their camera phones.
Getting stuck behind the slow-moving horses and carriages while on my way home and needing to pee is one thing, but it's the tourists themselves that can really push me over the edge. Particularly the tourists who arrive by cruise ship.
Perhaps it's dropping anchor alongside an island that gives these visitors a feeling of needing to conquer the local primitives. They haven't arrived in a city - they're at a destination, and they will photograph the sights regardless of whether you might be trying to walk, run, drive or just make it past the crowd taking pictures of the shrubs outside of your apartment door.
Cruise ship tourists are a different breed altogether.
I was feeling slightly bad for my fits of rage over these cruisers invading my neighborhood so I stopped and offered to take a picture for a very attractive guy and his grandmother with the ocean in the background. He was very tall, and his grandmother was very short so they were laughing and having difficulties taking a self-portrait.
After noticing the situation my good nature, and libido, led me to offer my services. They were very happy I could take a picture of them both and within seconds I had done my good deed and handed back the camera.
I was just about to strike up a conversation when the young guy dipped the little old lady backward and they began making-out. If I had ever doubted that the cruise ships drop off some bizarre fanny-packed disasters straight into my neighborhood, I never will again.
They annoy me, they overcrowd me and they need to stop taking pictures of random flowers. But I have to say...there is one little old lady in a pink polyester pantsuit who's surely back aboard some floating monstrosity right now, who is my new personal hero. She's welcome back to my city any time - just as long as she tells me how she does it..
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