The Neighbor

I have some bathroom related issues that I'm fairly well-known for. I don't like others hearing me pee, so in the early stages of any relationship I come close to kidney failure because I will hold it rather than let a guy hear me pee, regardless of how intimate we might have been together just minutes earlier. And it goes without saying that I would sooner actually explode than face the prospect of...well...I can't even say it. If number one is an issue than number two is off the agenda entirely.

Surprisingly, I'm fine with actually sitting in a public bathroom stall unlike some people I know. I won't hover or waste valuable time draping the toilet with a protective tissue barrier. If I can't visibly see it, then I don't want to worry about it. Also, I just don't have the strength in my quads to hover over a toilet and clutch my purse in my lap at the same time, but brava to those who do.

The other bathroom related issues I have are currently being tested on a weekly basis. Unlike the bathrooms in the last office I worked in, our washrooms are not unpleasant. There are six bathroom stalls with automatic flushers and all is usually right with the world. I will always choose a stall at one far end or another -- it's just what I do.

And at least once a week, some other woman will enter the washroom and take the stall right next to mine. She has four eligible toilets to choose from that do not put her in close enough proximity to tap my toe with hers, and yet if I'm in there, she wants to be near me. This bothers me.

Even though I can't actually see her feet, I know it's the same person, every time. I know this because of the humming, and the speed in which she does her business. She's got to wear pants with velcro because she starts peeing no sooner than the stall door is closed and locked. It's as if she had no clothes on to bother with at all, but that just can't be right.

She pees like she's part of a relay race. It happens fast. The only way I think she can pee any faster is if it were in capsule form. It's brief, but powerful and throughout the entire disintegration of her bladder she hums. Just one note. This disturbs me.

And then she's gone. As the toilets are autoflush she storms out of the stall as quickly as she arrives and just leaves, not even bothering to make sure it flushes. And she never washes her hands.

There I am, minding my own business as quietly as I possibly can when suddenly I'm hijacked by some kind of humming/peeing/personal space invading/personal hygiene avoiding bandit.

She's never there longer than I am so I can't wait around to see who she is. I can never see her shoes and I can't recognize her voice in her oddly meditative humming.

We're never finished at the same time because I pee at a normal rate of speed and usually have some sort of fastening devices to contend with at the end.

Every time it happens I'm slightly shaken. Which probably makes me as weird as she is.