I'm a cynical optimist. For example, when I go on holiday I pack at least three emergency items for every fun item in my suitcase. One bathing suit equals one package of Imodium, one can of Solarcaine and a defibrillator.
In my dating life, this means I expect nothing good to come out of anybody I meet...but I shave my legs anyway. I expect the worst but am secretly crushed when it happens making me both the first to say, "I told you so!" and "I had no idea that could happen!" at the same time.
This works well for me. I go about triumph and disaster with all bases covered until something so unexpected happens, both the cynic and the optimist in me are awed into mutual silence.
Like on Sunday morning. A new date, same Starbucks near my place. Jay was funny, smart and his picture looked good. We had even spent a few hours on the phone so I was confident the conversation would be easy.
I arrived a little early so I went in and got my standard date drink. Large enough for me to nurse if I'm having a good time, small enough for me to finish quickly should he have bells on his shoes, hit on the coffee barrista or appear riding a unicycle - basically should he demonstrate any of the unfavourable dating characteristics to which I've become so accustomed.
Jay came in while I was waiting for my drink, and I had a hard time recognizing him because I had to mentally add 10 years to the picture he sent me. He squinted his eyes at me but I wasn't entirely sure. I went outside to wait for him on the patio. If it was him he could come find me, and sure enough he did, moments later.
He walked up and introduced himself, and then went back in for his drink. It was a beautiful sunny day and I suddenly felt optimistic. A nice patio, a good drink, some good conversation...it wouldn't be so bad.
And it wouldn't have been so bad had Jay not left through the back exit, never to return. After the first five minutes I felt badly that a massive line up must have gathered spontaneously and he was stuck in it. After 10 minutes I wondered just what in the hell kind of caffeinated concoction he had ordered. After 15 minutes I felt like an idiot.
I waited around for another 10 just in case he was stuck in the bathroom. He wasn't. Bewildered, I made my way home.
I've been stood up before. I've been left waiting when a guy doesn't show up at all, no explanation or apologies. I've been on dates where the guy showed up but it would have been better if he hadn't. This was an altogether new experience.
A few hours later Jay sends me a message that went exactly like this:
Bambi - I'm sorry I had to leave. I could see right away that we weren't going to be compatible -- a no class exit. I'm just so tired of either being rejected or having to do the rejecting. It's so frustrating!! I wish we could just find what we want!! Time is marching on for both of us.
I would like to clarify that at no time did Starbucks catch on fire or need to be evacuated for any other reason during the half hour or so I sat on the patio. Jay did not "have" to leave. I would also like to clarify that more than one exclamation mark is never, ever appropriate.
Also, Jay is a f*ckwit.
The declaration that time is indeed marching on was really the frosting on the fruitloop. Until that point, I was unaware that I was about to max out any sort of time limit. Born without a biological clock, I feel no particular urgency to meet and marry or procreate other than a nagging fear that much like pierced ears, if I don't use it it's going to grow over.
This should be the end of the story, but it's not. Jay has since been in touch, wanting to make friendly chit-chat. Flirting with me even. I suggested that since I was so hideous he had to flee the scene, he really shouldn't bother sending me any more messages. No really - don't bother.
He said I wasn't hideous, but he knew it wouldn't work out long-term and he sensed that was what I wanted and it wouldn't have been fair for him to stay. I'd tell you what I answered but I blacked out after my head repeatedly hit the keyboard.
He went on to say how he felt a good connection with me and wanted that again. I told him he had his chance and then I went to bed. This morning I logged on to MSN only to get this belated message from Jay:
We both know we need one another.
Um. Apart from the sheer entertainment value his crazy is now providing me, I'm not entirely convinced I need him. And so I reply:
Wow. I need a guy who left a first impression so rude, and so without class that it's mind-boggling? Really??
So my cynical and optimistic sides are now clutching one another like two former strangers brought together by trauma. Why couldn't he just have been riding a damned unicycle like a normal person?
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