Because bathing suits aren't bad enough...

I need to buy pants. I'm not looking for pants made of plutonium. I'm not looking for haunted pants, magical pants or pants that will call me after we go out and offer to make me dinner. In short, I'm not looking for the impossible. I want pants that make if farther than my knees, cover my ass, cover my ankles and don't show my ass when I sit down. Apparently, I'm better off searching for those elusive plutonium capris.

I'm curvy. I have what my grandmother refers to as 'childbearing hips,' which are so helpful given my frozen ovaries and mistrust of anybody under four feet tall, including midgets. Right now, I can't shop in most conventional stores. I'm in the double digit size range, stuck in the purgatory between conventional stores and plus-size shops.

While I'm just looking for pants that fit, plus-size stores have other ideas. Apparently, these stores feel women want denim that is bedazzled and would never make it through an airport metal detector. If I'm a size 16, why on earth would I want bedazzled, sparkling roses riveted onto the back pockets of my jeans?

Equally mysterious is the abundance of pants with high waists and no back pockets at all, or pants where the pockets and seams are designed to make my ass actually appear bigger -- difficult to achieve so I give credit for sheer audacity.

Surely, if I know how pockets are supposed to look, designers should know too. What would it take for plus-size designers to put down their bedazzlers and quit it with the mom-jeans that give me long-bottom? And why am I forced to shop in plus size stores at all, when I'm not really a plus size? I'm just female...a female who is well-insulated.

I do have some happy news however. I invested in a pair of Lululemon capri pants and it's like having an ass transplant. They lift and separate. They firm and contour. They call me the next morning. They cost more than the GDP of some lesser known countries, and I may not make my rent for August but I'm happy. I have new pants, and an ass that appears to belong to somebody else. Somebody who's a size 12.