Bambi, Interrupted

Apparently I've caused concern. My dating experiences (if one can call the consumption of some kind of beverage across some kind of table followed by some kind of trauma 'experiences') have led one friend to offer me a fully-paid subscription to E-Harmony and another to threaten me with shunning should I fail to have sex with another human being at some point in the next six months.

Heidi of Completely Barking Mad blog-fame offered me the E-Harmony subscription, believing that the screening process involved should at least protect me from...well...the type of men I've met so far. Or possibly myself. Heidi is both wonderfully generous and brilliant, which is why I'm able to overlook the fact her relentless optimism may actually be a mental disorder. (Hi Heidi! Love you!)

Apparently 30% of people hoping to sign on with E-Harmony are rejected. No explanation provided. I'm pretty certain once I submit answers suggesting that I like children - fried, and that I consider champagne to be a breakfast food I may also find myself in the reject pile, with no way of explaining the items I go on to purchase with Heidi's credit card.

My friend J threatened to disown me if I don't soon have a good story to share ending with the line, "...and then the headboard simply disintegrated from the constant pounding. Wish I could remember his name -- got any Advil?"

In my defense, J is in an open relationship and it's not unusual for his boyfriend to bring friends home for both of them to enjoy. Somehow, it hardly seems fair that I should have to compete in the same arena, considering my arena is located on a completely separate planet.

All of this was meant to be a lead up to a story about how it doesn't matter whether I meet somebody online, in person, pre-screened or totally cold -- ridiculousness follows. I was going to either tell the story of how I ended up having dinner with a born-again evangelical midget, or how I was kidnapped for eight hours by three rednecks in a monster truck.

(While no actual crime was committed (only because the law is rather short-sighted) I really couldn't go home for eight hours and I had to listen to Pantera amongst other indignities so in actual fact -- I believe I did suffer harm. And yes, I just included a sentence with a bracketed statement within a bracket. I am so glad my degree in Writing is working for me. Jesus.)

I couldn't decide which story I felt like telling more, and now the time has come for me to have a late-night nap, so I can be ready for the rest of my evening. At 11:00 pm, I'm going to leave my apartment, walk to Chapters, elbow small children out of the way and get in line for my copy of the new Harry Potter book. I pre-ordered, but I need to be prepared so I can avoid any delay that could keep me from getting my book at 12:01 as promised. So basically, those stories will have to wait.

(And yes folks, men still aren't knocking down my door. Try to contain your surprise.)