Please stop helping.

Advice, suggestions and observations from people I trust and occasionally random strangers on how and what I should be doing with my life are often welcome.

Wise counsel like: your hair is on fire, or the cat was drinking out of your water glass, he’s never going to divorce his wife, the five second rule doesn’t count in a bathroom even if it’s a cookie, or you can see your nipples through that T-shirt – I take it all to heart.

Without the smarter, more observant people in my life who love me enough to make me put down the bathroom cookie – I’m not sure where I’d be.  You know, apart from hairless with my nipples showing.

However, there are some nuggets of advice that are both ubiquitous and useful as asbestos tampons. Yes, it seems they could be absorbent…but at what cost? 

The following “helpful” suggestions are the asbestos tampons of wise counsel – better in theory and needing to be stopped.

Have you thought about volunteering?

Inevitably, this is the very first response when I say I’m having trouble meeting people in my new city. 

What I’m really saying is that I’m lonely, and could use some more social connections.  

What I’m not saying is, I’m lonely, and giving up my precious free time outside of full-time paid work to perform hours of unpaid work could be the solution I’m looking for.  Yet, that seems to be what people hear. 

Look...I’ve worked in non-profits for the majority of my career spanning close to 20 years, which seems impossible given my preference for believing I’m only 29. Volunteers are amazing.  They are the backbone and unsung heroes of every community and after managing incredible teams of volunteers for my entire career and as a newly discovered old person, I can honestly say I’m grateful and in awe of their generosity.

What I can’t say however, is why people think volunteering is a fast-track to building a social life or support structure.   

Naturally, it depends on the volunteer opening.  If I were a different person with wholesome interests like gardening, or Jesus or helping children, maybe my passions would align with more volunteer opportunities.  As it stands I’m a morally questionable, child-hating serial killer of plants, so suitable volunteer activities are…limited.

It seems anybody asking this question has this idea of volunteering as some sort of social jamboree, where bonds are formed over shared altruism and large groups of chatty, fun people agree to go to lunch and hang out after performing set hours of unpaid work. 

It also seems anybody asking if I’ve ever thought about volunteering has never actually volunteered.

If they ever had, they might know that once I submit a lengthy application to volunteer, a criminal records check, a resume and three professional references I’m most likely to be put in a room by myself to seal envelopes, sort donations, tidy storerooms or if I’ve sat through an evening or weekend orientation, I might get to work answering the phone.  Or, because many non-profit agencies are so cash-strapped they can no longer afford physical headquarters, I might be making calls or stuffing envelopes alone in my own home.

These are all needed and necessary activities, but not a single one of them is likely to lead to me making a desperately needed local friend who can help me prevent fire-related hair loss, or convince me he’s REALLY not going to ever leave his wife.

Speaking of all things fire-related, if volunteers are needed in the creation of next year’s charitable Firefighter’s Calendar however…I’ll do it, even though it goes against everything I just said.  I won’t enjoy it – I put this out there only because I’m a good person, deep inside. Like, really deep inside.  And because I care.  About fire-related things. 

You should join a gym!

Also said most often as advice on how to meet new people. And they’re right – I really SHOULD join a gym, if only because when I punch them in their clown hole, I don’t want to pull a muscle.

Gyms are not typically social places.  People want to get in, get out and enjoy an hour or two just for themselves, by themselves.  I get that. When I’m at a gym I don’t want to talk to people.  I’m there to regret every carbohydrate I’ve ever eaten, pray I don’t fart in yoga class and wonder if my crotch is sweating more on average than anybody else’s and if so, why.  I don’t think I’m alone in this – it’s one reason everybody is wearing headphones.  

You should date against your type.

Soooo…if I want a guy who makes me laugh, I should look for someone with no discernible sense of humour at all? If I like a man who’s intelligent and can carry on a conversation, I should give it up for a dude with the IQ of patio furniture? If a guy with confidence and a bit of swagger has always flipped my skirt up, maybe I should keep my damned skirt down and go for more of a dish-rag? Maybe a guy who’s terrible in bed? Or a guy with a micro-penis? Maybe no penis at all? Maybe a woman?

I’m frequently indecisive, it’s true.  I recently spent 20 minutes in a Wal-Mart aisle trying to decide on peanut butter.  I have a favourite brand of toilet paper, but buy whatever mascara is on sale – proof perhaps that I’m naturally more discerning about what comes near my va-jay.  It’s often the only thing I’m sure about. 

I hope that when friends tell me I should look for the opposite of my type, they’re really saying that I should look for somebody who doesn’t cause me pain. Somebody better. Anybody who isn’t the guy I currently pine for. Or any guy I’ve ever pined for.

But that’s not what I hear.

I hear friends telling me my standards are too high.  That whatever virtues I seek in a partner, no matter how reasonable or valued those qualities may be, even in their own relationships – they’re above my station.  That I’m not deserving of the same joys or the same attractions that form the foundations of other relationships without question. That there's something about me that just isn't good enough, so I have to settle - not just compromise, because whatever it is I want, I’m not going to get. 

Can we at least agree he could be good in bed though…?  Just let me have one small standard. 

It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it!

I like to imagine this little gem being used for anything other than wanting to find a romantic partner. 

If I’m hungry, nobody would say food will come to me only when I’m not looking.  It might be because I get dangerously hangry when food-deprived and people are afraid to confront me or even make eye contact, but it’s highly unlikely I’d be lying there, belly bloated with starvation, flies around my eyes, and some idiot suggesting if I just stop wanting food, food will appear.

Maybe I need to find a new job.  It’s generally understood that not looking for a new job if needing a new job is a terrible way to find a new job.  And yet, if I say I’d really like to not be single anymore, there’s a veritable Greek chorus (of mostly smug marrieds) preaching that the best way to find a partner is to not look for one at all.

On the plus side, at least they’re not telling me to join a gym.