Anal glands now no longer allowed on planes.

You know your career is probably off the rails when a large amount of hard work can be undone by anal glands. Particularly, anal glands belonging to a cat. Anal glands belonging to a cat that ruptured. The anal glands that is. The cat didn't rupture and presumably is fine, or as fine as any creature can be whose ass somehow exploded over the weekend.

I should back up for a moment. First of all, it's important to know that my friends and colleagues within my organization love me, are very supportive, and I love them to pieces in return. Our receptionist even suggested that should we win the lottery jackpot my office area regularly pools our money for, I should get a larger share of the winnings. It's the only way she feels I'll get a man.

Yes, I love my work friends and colleagues, even though they're assholes. The c-level and VP crowd however, would rather I not exist. The reasons for this are many, ranging from my refusal to just shut up and be the scapegoat they reuire me to be, to my utter refusal to kiss posterior or say yes when the answer should clearly be no.

I've also been known to express concerns regarding policies that could possibly be misconstrued by lesser people without a VP title or $800,000 a year salary as being technically criminal.

Also, I once ate a yogurt parfait reserved for the president just prior to a breakfast meeting. How was I supposed to know it was a specially reserved presidential parfait? I can not resist a parfait, and it was unfair to be put in that position.

I'm not counting on a raise this year is what I'm saying. In case I ever wonder whether it's my own insecurities that make me think my boss's bosses are not fond, I have the memories of the president calling me incompetent...in eight different meetings spanning multiple years.

My last boss told me I wouldn't be getting any resources come budget time because I have a bad attitude and I've been referred to in an email no less, as the "dirt in that needs to be cleaned up." Considering I'm the only person who works in my department, there are few positive conclusions one can draw.

Don't worry, the cat's ass explosion is coming up shortly. Several weeks ago I was tasked with planning two large events, taking place within 24 hours of one another.

If either event experiences any glitches whatsoever, I've been told my position will likely be "reconsidered." I was provided with an online registration software system, two teams of volunteers, and an administrative assistant to manage logistics. What could possibly go wrong?

The online registration system crashed, which is to be expected. Within moments, our IT department informed me it would not be functional again in time for either event, as it's not on their list of projects or priorities for the year.

What followed was a Seinfeld-esque conversation in which I tried to find out how a project can expected to be on a list when it's not expected to break. I'm not sure anything was settled, but if it were an argument, I think I may have lost.

One team of volunteers are fighting amongst themselves over who gets to call themselves the leader of the team of volunteers, and two out of the five volunteers are threatening to quit this team of volunteers and start a new team of volunteers without the other three, because that would sure show...somebody.

The second team of volunteers have written angry letters to the president of my organization, the same one who went without his specially reserved yogurt parfait because of me, that the online registration software failure can only be my fault, and my inability to fix it is a black-eye to the entire organization.

This would probably be something I would feel shame over, if my position and background were in computer programming. They are not. I am in public relations, which means I have no idea how to fix software, but I should be able to explain how it's broken in a way that will make the failure sound like a resounding success.

While I do have some technical skills, they are too highly specialized to waste on computer coding. If only the same technical skills that allow me to remove the muffin crumbs from my keyboard through vigorous shaking could be more transferable.

Finally, my administrative support, the person I designated to manage registration for both events, will be away from the office indefinitely, because her cat's ass exploded. The technical term would be a ruptured anal gland, which I had been blissfully unaware was even a possibility until this morning.

The cat's ass has to be monitored every 20 minutes, and a warm compress applied every four hours.

Sweet Christ on a cracker. Despite warring parties of volunteers, low registrations and my job hanging in the balance...I actually feel better after writing the sentence above. Right now, my poor administrative assistant is monitoring a cat's exploded ass like it's under suicide watch.

Apparently...there are worse jobs than mine in the world, and for that I should be grateful.