Now that we've definitively established the standard methods for meeting a potential romantic partner employed successfully by at least one half of all happy couples everywhere don't work for me, somebody needs to tell my Mom.
I've ruled out meeting through mutual friends, online dating, making out drunkenly in bars, following men around grocery stores, loving somebody from the Okanagan and finding true love in a Weight Watchers meeting. (Bring it up again John and bad things will happen.)
My Mom labours under the delusion that men find me wildly attractive. I'm surrounded by so many attractive and eligible men that everywhere I go is like a sausage fest flash-mob and the only reason I'm single is because I just don't pay attention to all of the admirers lining up to spend time with me.
If only I would stop breaking her heart and let one of them romance the shit out of me and propose already she could finally rest.
I don't have the heart to tell her what really happens. I would rather she think that I choose to shun even the idea of a committed relationship, and if offered the chance to be the actual wife to a hot fire-fighter who brings in six figures and whisks me away on surprise vacations every second weekend instead of the sanctioned mistress who occasionally gets a bottle of wine I would still choose to be the mistress, just to be difficult and deny her the opportunity to see one of her daughters marry in this lifetime.
She got kind of excited when I was seeing the Bomb Tech. There were occasions she was physically present to witness him phoning or texting me nearly constantly and whenever he did her face lit up.
Every time I mentioned something about him to her was like watching a kid counting down to Christmas with an advent calendar. Things were moving forward as they should. Surely, the long wait would soon be over, and I might actually bring somebody home to meet my parents.
The wait was indeed over for somebody's parents, as I'm certain the girlfriend he acquired without telling me has made the familial rounds. My Mom tried to press me for information as to why she suddenly stopped hearing about him and should never mention his name out loud, but there wasn't a grain of truth I was willing to tell her.
Well Mom - it's like this. Yes we were very close and we spoke every day and our first official date was indeed very memorable particularly because it took an hour to drive far enough out of town for him to feel comfortable that nobody would recognize him. Apparently he didn't want to run into any of his ex-girlfriend's friends, even though he'd been single for over a year. Just to be sure, we ended up on a deserted beach in the pitch black and freezing cold drinking beer even though I had requested wine. I suppose it was rather romantic right up until I had to pee because we were drinking beer and not wine and I had to crouch behind some driftwood where I inevitably and accidentally peed on my pants. He was willing to be seen in public with me when we met up for a weekend in Vancouver, but if we were in our home city our dates took place in his truck. It wasn't as uncomfortable as you may think because all he ever wanted to do was have me watch him jack-off which meant I never had to deal with any of the unpleasant logistics I may normally face while trying not to put my legs through the windshield. Yes, he did meet my sister and some of my friends and could be quite sweet so I didn't mind waiting when he told me he wasn't ready for commitment just yet. Next time, I know to clarify however. If a man isn't quite ready for commitment I should probably ask whether it would be me he planned on taking that next step with. Lesson learned. In retrospect, what annoys me the most is that he took this girl to the most expensive and romantic Italian restaurant in the city for their first date. I'm pretty sure she didn't pee on her own leg while dining on the patio, but she likely ended up in his truck and unless his tastes improved that way too, her and I may be even.
My Mom would be the type to think I'd be the girl on the patio, and I can't tell her that I'm actually the girl who pees on her leg behind some driftwood.
She also got rather excited about Alex. There were a a few times she called while he and I were having breakfast together and I had to let her know I'd call her back.
Back in the day Alex and I decided we hated not being able to do normal every day things together because of the distance, so usually on a Sunday we'd make breakfast and then meet on webcam to chat and eat together.
It was very sweet, although I still haven't been able to get all of the peanut butter I dripped from my English muffins off of my keyboard. My Mom also thought it sweet and would actually sound delighted when I had to let her go in favour of my online breakfast date.
Occasionally she'll ask if I still talk to that nice boy from Kelowna and there is absolutely nothing I can tell her.
Well Mom - it's like this. Yes we were very close and I think there was actually something there for a while. I'm not sure if there was anything I should've/would've/could've done differently but my God did we have a good time together. I never told you but he was always a bit of a whore. I never told you this either, but I've got a few issues with sex for reasons I'm also never going to tell you about. Surprisingly enough he and I stayed close and intrigued by one another even though the thought of having sex with him both terrified and tempted me to the point I thought either my heart or vagina would explode, possibly both, and not in a good way and so I never did. We exchanged I love yous a couple of times but never really expanded on that. If we had to say it we mostly said I miss you. It was I miss you all the time for about three years, but he's changed his ways. Isn't it exciting how people can change? The biggest slut west of the Rockies has a girlfriend and is in a committed relationship. He loves her. Really loves her - he doesn't just miss her. When they have breakfast I'm sure it's very much together. Don't worry though Mom - all is not lost. If I want to he's said he could cheat on her with me and not feel bad, what with our friendship and all. He'd feel bad if it was some sexy chick he just met but he's willing to make an exception for me. See? I really am very special.
She's given up on asking about specific people, but her eternal hope manifests itself other ways. No matter where I go or what I do, she'll ask me if there was anybody interesting there. This is my Mom thinking she's being subtle and slick.
She's not actually hounding me about meeting a guy you see, she's simply inquiring if there was anybody interesting when I picked up a parcel, went to the dentist, went for drinks, got a tea from Tim Horton's, bought a light fixture at Home Depot, saw a movie, took a class...et al.
It's a completely normal question to ask after all, and there is absolutely no deeper meaning behind it. She simply wants to know if there was anybody...interesting.
My Mom is such an optimist I swear she is on the edge of her seat just waiting for the day she asks me whether there was anybody interesting there after I tell her I left my house for any reason and I say, YES.
Well Mom - it's like this. As it turns out, there was somebody interesting there! We are now engaged. We decided not to wait a moment longer because we know you and Dad are not getting any younger. Thank God you asked me if there was anybody interesting there yet again, or I may have completely forgotten to tell you.
No comments:
Post a Comment