Consequences.

Do you know that moment? The exact point in time you can look back on in hindsight and clearly see where it went wrong?

One moment you're completely fine, dancing atop a speaker, shouting "Woo!" in time to the music and only flashing one boob by accident.

(Obviously this analogy's definition of "completely fine" is really rather relative.)

(Also, before you think I'm using myself in this example, please know that I have never, ever, yelled "Woo!" Not for any reason.)

The next morning you're hunched over the toilet, thinking to yourself that it's been a very long time since you swept that part of the bathroom, and remembering clearly the one mistake that has brought you here, right now literally to your knees.

In these situations, it's easy to remember making the decision to drink that last tequila/rum/jagermeister/whiskey/vodka shot, realizing that this decision was the tipping point, and the reason you're left pondering whether you ever even chewed that corn at all, and why God has forsaken you.

Recognizing these moments when they're happening and not afterward when it's too late is becoming an obsession. I'm obviously not good at it, so this particular obsession really has no practical application other than making me not want to get out of bed.

Every morning, before I open my eyes, I take stock. What happened yesterday? What's likely to happen today? Do I have to pee badly enough to finally get me out of bed? What do I have to do today? What can I avoid doing for one more day? How am I feeling overall?

This morning, I came to the following conclusions:

- I have to return two different phone calls from two different policing agencies. Apparently the crazy guy who feels I'm a threat to national security, is himself, a threat to national security and my personal safety. Also, a good example of irony.

(That whooshing sound you'll hear if you listen carefully? It's the sound of multiple levels of management in my organization back-pedalling as hard as they can.)

(Incidentally, I was feeling better about my company suddenly being galvanized into concern over my lack of ability to withstand gunfire, until they brought me into a meeting to discuss the terrible risks...to our reputation. I suggested we can probably avoid any undue embarrassment simply by keeping staff alive. Sometimes it's simplicity that saves the day.)

- The second longest monogamous relationship I've had in my life is currently with somebody else's husband.

- This quite likely is the reason I'm alone in bed. Just to be sure, it's always good to check whether or not I am indeed, alone under the covers.

- Yep. It's just me.

- I've developed a severe allergy to the deodorant I've used for years, but only under one armpit. I can still dance to YMCA, but now with more caution, to avoid anybody asking me what in the hell happened to my armpit. I suppose I can chalk this up as a partial win.

- Alex is in a committed relationship with somebody else, despite having always said he wouldn't want that. He's somebody else's boyfriend now, and she's probably waking up next to him when I'm waking up alone.

- This girl might cure cancer and single-handedly save enough puppies to make that devastating commercial for the ASPCA featuring Sarah Mclachlan just stop already before we all cry ourselves stupid...and I will never like her. Not. Ever.

- I need to shave my legs. I can only shave one armpit though. I don't know how that's going to continue working.

- My 10% key chain is sitting on my nightstand. I got it from Weight Watchers because I'm down 10% of my body weight from when I started. This is good news, and one more win.

- I'm winning at something because I'm doing the opposite of what my natural inclination is to do - this being to eat like I'm going into hibernation at any given moment. Interesting.

- This is not at all where I thought I'd be in my life, or where I think I should be. This needs to change. Everything needs to change.

- If I can just recognize the next tipping point moment, I can change everything.

- Maybe I just really need to pee.

- Maybe both are right.