The Couch.

Two and a half minutes. I can't believe I've gone two and half minutes. This is a record. I always break by now. Just sitting and blinking at your patient for as long as it takes them to start talking again has got to be some kind of Jedi mind trick. No wonder med school is so expensive --

The last time you were here you were in a very dark place. Did you end up needing to go to emergency?

First of all, I can't imagine what I would say. A reasonably well-dressed chick walks into the emergency ward carrying a wicked purse and tells the unit clerk I'm here because my shrink told me I should come if I ever found myself googling how much asprin could potentially kill a person when taken all at once. Should I have a seat over by the door or can I just lay down on that blood stained stretcher in the hallway? Also, and this is awkward, but should you decide to put me on suicide watch like I'm some kind of crazy person, can you please make sure the hospital security guard having to sit there and watch me nap doesn't also moonlight as a Bomb Technician and didn't spend a couple of years fighting in Afghanistan...? If you could just make sure before I check myself in, that would be awesome, because he and I used to date. Kind of. Which is how I know that would be part of his job, and frankly that would just be all kinds of awkward so...

Did you?

No. No I didn't go.

You were very sad the last time you were here. How have you been feeling since?

Very sad? Very sad?? I was very sad at the end of Brokeback Mountain. I was very sad when Rose couldn't move her ass over on that floating door to let Jack cimb up out of the arctic waters so they could both cuddle for safety and go on to make 'Titantic II - Even Wetter.' I was very sad when I developed a severe and sudden allergy to certain kinds of shoe leather and found my favorite shoes now cause my feet to explode. These things all made me very sad. Sad enough to cry. But this...this is not just sad...this is...

Has there been any changes?

It's all about the same.

How are you getting through?

How does anybody get through lady? Auto-pilot. Pick up right foot. Shift right foot forward. Transfer body weight to right foot. Pick up left foot. Shift left foot forward. Transfer body weight to left fo --

I keep doing what I'm supposed to do. I get up, I get dressed, I go to work, I go home.

I think you're grieving.

I think you're wrong.

This may be short-term.

What loss am I grieving?

You would know that best.

Oh for fuckssake.

I've been here before. There's no sudden loss. This happens every few years and I have to figure out what to do to make it stop.

And the countdown starts again. Can we beat two and a half minutes? I think so. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix --

How are your relationships?

Relationships? Are your notes mixed up? I don't have relationships.

What relationships?

You broke off communications with the BT. Are you still not speaking?

If by breaking off communications you mean I blocked him on MSN and then ignored his calls then yes, yes I sure did.

Still not speaking, and that's fine.

Have you thought about talking to him again? You were quite close. He called you once contemplating suicide, which really upset you. You helped him through a cancer scare. You were making plans for him in your life.

Why do I have to be reminded I'm an idiot?

I know.

His betrayal must have hurt you.

Actually, no. When he suddenly found a woman he wanted to date and that woman turned out not to be me, I wasn't actually surprised. That's what hurt. Being all of those things to somebody and still being not good enough to be the girlfriend - that's what hurt. What pissed me off was how he treats her.

His betrayal wasn't entirely unexpected. Things don't work out, so what? It happens to people all the time. He just liked her better.

Why do you say that?

Goddammit. This must be what they pay for in medical school. Open ended questions and now I'm going to either have to sit here and say nothing or sound like an R-Tard. May as well go full R-Tard...

Facebook. That's how I know. Our second date I thought we were going to dinner but he drove way out in the middle of nowhere because he didn't want his ex or any of her friends seeing us and giving him a hard time. We didn't even go to a restaurant in the middle of nowhere. He found a Beer and Wine store and wanted to just go sit on a beach somewhere. I guess it could have been romantic, but I was kind of sad he didn't want to be seen with me.

How is his new relationship different?

New status updates all the time. Lovey-dovey. How he's with the most beautiful girl in the world, life is so good, he's so lucky, and they're out on a patio downtown drinking wine.

So his Facebook upset you?

I can't articulate. Why can't I say anything properly? We sat on a beach drinking ciders because he wouldn't buy wine and I was still having fun because he was funny and making me laugh and I liked that and then I had to pee. On a beach, freezing my ass of as it was, dressed like I was going for dinner, and there's no trees, no bushes, nothing for miles. I had to hike it down shore in my heels, and find a log big enough I could squat behind. I was so proud of myself for accomplishing the job, adjusting my pants over my heeled boots afterward when I found one of my pantlegs was wet. Awesomeness. I peed on my pants. I get driven 20 minutes past where Jesus lost his sandals so I can pee on my pants, and I'm pretty sure he had nothing romantic to say afterward. Whoever he's seeing now gets wine on a patio and lovey-dovey comments. This is why I'm upset. This is always the difference, and I'm not even smart enough to see it until afterward.

He treats her better. He treats her like a girlfriend. Not just like something to do when he was bored or wanted to vent.

Are you still talking to Alex?

Jesus Christ lady are you seriously trying to make me cry now?

No.

Not at all?

Fuck me. What do you mean, "Not at all?" No phone calls, no texts, no MSN but the carrier pigeon is surprisingly reliable? No means no.

No. Not at all.

Why is that?

I'm fairly certian it's not because he's dead, or suffering from amnesia, or been kidnapped and held by ransom. He doesn't want to talk to me, and so he doesn't.

I just don't hear from him.

You don't contact him?

I'd rather pretend he'd be happy if I did. I'd rather pretend that like me, he's not getting in touch because he thinks I don't want to. I'd rather pretend he misses me instead of knowing for certain that he doesn't.

No, I don't contact him. It's easier to miss him.

That's interesting.

Not really.

Are you still seeing the guy who's married?

The firefighter? Yeppers.

On occasion.

When was the last time?

We were supposed to get together yesterday, but it didn't happen. I was relieved.

Why were you relieved?

I just couldn't do it. Thinking about it made me tired. I had no interest. None at all. I didn't know if I could fake it. How much more can I possibly fake?

I just wasn't interested. Like...I had no interest at all. I was actually kind of dreading it.

That should make her happy. She's been harping on and on about how I shouldn't be interested. How the jealousy I feel towards his wife can be crippling. How it's just not healthy. How it goes against everything I say I want, which I suppose is true. But on the other hand...so FUN. She's going to see this as progress at last...

I realize you've taken medication in the past, and experienced some significant side effects. Perhaps with closer monitoring, you may want to reconsider...?

Holy. Crap. She's been thinking I'm having a bad week. Maybe a bad month. Any moment I'll perk right up. I tell her I have absolutely zero interest in doing the firefighter and suddenly I should be trying medication again. Apparently me not wanting to have sex with a firefighter is the fifth horsemen of the apocolypse. Cutting my wrists? Mild cry for help. Doesn't want to get naked with the firefighter? MEDS! STAT! Sweet cracker sandwich...that's...it's...fucking hilarious. I can't believe I'm actually laughing!

I can reconsider - I'm willing to talk about it at least. Talking like this has been really helpful actually...