Out of all the parts of my body that bother me on a daily basis - the nose my ex declared too big for my face, my back which continues to cause me pain, the mysterious female problems that have my doctor so baffled he's in danger of becoming a workplace shooting statistic should he tell me it must all be in my head one more time, my peasant legs too thick to fit into boots, my cowlick right in the middle of my forehead preventing me from ever having trendy bangs, my small boobs so out of proportion with my broad back my bras look like two eye patches attached to a ziptreck line, my cankles, my childbearing hips, my thighs - a fire hazard in corduroy pants and my inability to tan...none of these 'flaws' is going to cost me $10,000.
My chin - the least offensive part of my entire body - will.
Chin may actually be a misnomer. I have a small area underneath my bottom lip, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a chin. Therein lies the problem. I've always had a very pronounced overbite, and for the most part I've accepted this. I have a hell of a time not looking double-chinned in photographs but if my eyes are open and I don't look plus-size a picture of me with a double-chin is really a minor inconvenience.
My overbite has meant I sometimes have to chew food differently than other people and think very carefully about putting my hair back for fear my face looks a little unbalanced but other than that I was fine with it. I've even grown to like the way it makes my lips appear just a little more pouty.
Over the years though, I've had to pay more attention to my jaw in general. It pops and cracks. Sometimes when I'm chewing it feels like pop-rocks candy in my cheeks. Chewing a stick of gum makes my face ache and every so often my jaw gets stuck out of place, causing me a moment of hand-flapping panic for fear this will be the time it won't go back.
A few years ago I saw an orthodontist in Calgary. He cupped his hand under my chin-like area, tilted my head back and forth and declared my problems didn't look obvious.
If he was to treat me, it wouldn't solve any of my complaints but it would fix my 'minor deformity.' The treatment would be cosmetic at best. I paid the man $80 for this in-depth assessment and put it out of my head until a couple of weeks ago.
My newly acquired BC dentist referred me to an orthodontist after looking at my x-rays. I figured I'd been around this block and while I appreciated my dentist's concern I thought I knew what was coming. Unlike the guy in Calgary though, this orthodontist put my slightly malformed head through the paces.
I chewed for him, I bit, I yawned, I stretched my mouth, I ground my teeth, I wiggled my jaw all with his gloved fingers buried somewhere in my cheekbones. The official diagnosis - big trouble.
Apparently I'm losing bone. I don't know where it's going, but it's being ground out of my cheeks. This bone isn't surplus as I had hoped, so if I continue to lose it I'll have to have it replaced. I offered part of the bone in my nose in hopes that I could perhaps solve two problems in one shot but it seems the bone they would put back into my peanut head would be from cadavers.
Bone from dead people in my face aside, continued bone loss may lead to excruciating pain and replacing the bone is no guaranteed fix. Since my back and pelvis have cornered the market on excruciating pain lately, this just won't do.
It seems as if my jaw problems are also causing my gums to disappear. For many years, dentists and hygienists have told me I'm brushing too hard and eroding my gums. I struggled with brushing any lighter without giving up and simply waving the toothbrush in front of my face in elaborate pantomime, and still hygienists threatened me with thoughts of skin-grafts and nerve damage should I continue brushing my teeth so obviously with steel wool.
The orthodontist chuckled to himself and asked me how many times I've been told I need to change how I brush my teeth. Gums are disappearing aren't they? He said this like he was letting me in on a very good joke. The joke is, my jaw is so misaligned it's causing my gums to pack up and go home to wherever they came from in the first place.
It was time to talk solutions, but there weren't many options to talk about. There's only one option - braces followed by surgery to break my jaw and move it to where it's supposed to be.
At first, the surgery part didn't phase me. I sat there considering how successful my dating life currently is and how much it can only improve with solid metal braces catching the sunlight. I asked if it was possible I could have clear braces and he said it may be possible, but this could affect the cost.
The cost. I didn't even get to worrying over the cost until a couple of days later. I know my benefits will pay for half of the braces, bringing the expense down to a mere partial down payment on a condo but I was rather confused about the surgery, so I phoned the orthodontist's office.
It would seem the surgery will cost me an entire down payment on a condo, as it's considered cosmetic. It doesn't matter that bone is falling out of my head and my gums are sinking like Atlantis, jaw surgery is not covered unless I have a cleft-palate or something that sounded like inter-facial disorder.
I seized upon this thought. Inter-facial disorder - I was pretty sure they could put me down for that...couldn't they? The receptionist assured me I did not have this disorder. Was she sure? Yes she was sure. If I had it I would be seriously deformed. How deformed is seriously deformed? We would be unable to have this conversation. I see.
All told, I'll be paying out approximately $10,000 for a facial flaw I was pretty sure I could live with. Everything else that causes me pain or anxiety will still be there, with the exception of my doctor who may not make it through my next appointment. I won't have an MBA or a condo, but by God...I'll have a chin.
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