Creative writing genius that I am, you may be wondering what it is I'm doing when I'm not posting for your entertainment. The truth is, I've been spending a lot of time on my back.
Don't get excited. Have you not read my previous posts? I'm not spending time on my back for fun or for profit, instead I've been lying on my floor like a giant carpet starfish because of a sprained back. Not only do I have the sex life of an octogenarian, but the physical prowess to match.
I can trace my newly found inability to bend all the way back to my first months in Calgary. I was crossing the frozen tundra of my apartment building's parking lot when the sky overhead and the ice beneath my feet suddenly reversed. It happened very fast, and I came down in a V-shape, landing on my tailbone.
Naturally I scrambled to my feet because God forbid anybody see me, and made it all the way to the outside door of the building before passing out cold on the stairs. I'm not sure how long I was laying there for, but it's a good thing nobody came along. Being Calgary, anybody passing by would probably have thrown pennies at my head and yelled at me to get a job.
It took a few months before I didn't hurt any more, but unbeknownst to me I had done some serious damage. It's now taken a few years, but that old injury has caused my lower back to take out a restraining order against every other part of my body.
So I lie on the carpet, or sometimes on my loveseat with my legs hanging over the side. I'm sure this isn't recommended but it's the only way I can watch The Family Guy. This can't possibly be what every creative genius does between postings, but I've established a pattern and there's no reason to change.
I've been doing other exciting things too. Last night I was lying on my loveseat and eating a WeightWatchers endorsed frozen thingie on a stick. The package implied it was ice cream.
Normally I'm a huge fan of food served on a stick. Put almost anything on a stick and it tastes better for some reason. Anything but the frozen thingie I was now eating and trying to think of as dessert.
Given that it wasn't very good, I wasn't overly disapointed when part of the frozen thingie fell off the stick and landed on my boob. Had it been cookie dough or anything with actual calories, I would have moved faster, but I was really indecisive. The more pressing concern was a small portion of my boob freezing off, and or soon covered in melted aspartame.
For the record, I wasn't lying on my loveseat eating a frozen thingie on a stick while naked. I was presentable, but the part that fell off the stick landed on the one part of my boob not coverd by my tank top. It's the Law of Movie Popcorn:
When eating popcorn at the movies, popcorn will miss your mouth and land in the most awkward places possible. You will be forced to empty your bra of popcorn after the show, and or debate whether you can get away with digging the popcorn out of your crotch when the theatre gets dark enough.
Overall it was one more reason to wish I had bigger boobs. Besides limiting my career in porn, smaller boobs don't allow for easy clean-up, so soon the melting aspartame was heading for my tank top - you'd be amazed at how fast aspartame moves on a semi-flat surface.
And now came yet another humbling moment. I had no choice but to begin a frantic overturned turtle to get off the loveseat. God forbid I just be able to sit up on my own, so arms and legs flailing, I began the effort of rolling myself off the couch. Forgetting I was still holding the WeightWatchers endorsed frozen thingie on a stick trying to pass for ice cream. Which soon landed all over my legs.
So damn you WeightWatchers. Screw you Calgary. Stupid lower back.
And this is how a creative writing genius spends her time. Awe-inspiring isn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment