I've been scarce lately, and that's because I have a new superhero identity. I am Coffee Date Girl. Unlike most superheroes however, my uniform is not spandex. It's just not flattering, and nobody wants to be Jiggly Coffee Date Girl.
Ever since switching online dating sites, I've been a dating fool. Not every guy I want to meet wants to meet with me, but I now have enough prospects I need to to double check who in the hell it is I'm running out to see before I leave the house.
Despite this sudden surge in my popularity, my superpower remains the ability to stress out about things nobody else in their right minds would consider a problem. Like this evening, and my date with the hot, shirtless cowboy.
Allow me to attempt to explain how hot the guy I'm meeting with this evening is. He is porn for gay men and straight women. His profile pictures are so...universally appealing that other men I have met who have dared to check out their competition under the Men Seeking Women section have mentioned his profile as a particular sore spot and cause for grief, not knowing that I knew perfectly well who they were talking about and in fact, had been chatting with that guy just before running out to meet them.
I'm not sure why I sent the Hot Shirtless Cowboy a message in the first place, separate from the fact I think of him in my head as the Hot Shirtless Cowboy. His profile wasn't particularly clever, and he only wrote a line or two describing himself.
His series of pictures depict him lounging against a rustic fence in half shadow, his black cowboy hat pulled low over his eyes, his 8000 abdominal muscles highly visible above his low-slung jeans. Think a young Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. With pieced nipples.
There he is straddling a motorcycle, smiling and looking away from the camera. There he is again, this time fully clothed in business attire and filling out his button-down shirt. Now he's half-naked again, soaking wet emerging from a pool. You know, as you do.
He doesn't look like a guy you'd marry. He looks like the guy you would cheat on your husband with. His pictures don't look calendar-boy fake - he just looks like that and can't help it. Poor bastard.
So no, I can't think of what possessed me to send him a message, but more importantly, I can't think of a single reason he wrote back, and this is why I'm concerned.
We are not on the same scale of hotness. This is an extremely scientific scale, and to upset the balance of this scale means upsetting the natural laws of the universe. Should we actually start to date I foresee terrible changes to the climate and earth. I mean, more so than usual.
Ever since initially exchanging email addresses he consistently messages me. I don't know why. At first I was thrilled, but soon my excitement was replaced with unease. It's been like being a religious person and having God suddenly show up in your living room to shoot the shit.
At first it's exciting, but at some point the religious person has to wonder why God is talking to her. What does God want? Has God made some sort of horrible mistake and confused her with somebody more worthy? Is God aware she listed her body type as Average for a very good reason? It's unsettling.
I suggested we meet because I had to put a stop to it. I have no sense of his personality, despite chatting with him for two weeks. He gives me one word answers and asks me very little. If it wasn't for his pictures, he would be boring me so I had to move things along. That's how hot this guy is. I don't even care if he's dumb, but it will help if he's blind.
(Confidence was never my superpower, but tonight I'll be faking it for whatever it's worth).
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