E-Harmony Sucks

The commercials finally got to me, and I had to admit that sleeping with the guy who stole my vibrator has been an ill-advised decision. Regardless of why, I signed up for E-Harmony. And it sucks.

For all those who wonder what magic E-Harmony weaves to match people based on a billion points of compatibility, I can now tell you. The survey you have to fill out takes just enough time to make you wonder when you'll regret losing those precious minutes you'll never get back.

The questions are probing, and by probing I literally mean you'll feel like your underpants have crawled way up your ass. For example:

The people I enjoy spending time with most are:

• Friends and family
• The corpses I've most recently buried in my yard
• Anybody who will talk to me
• Whoever it is who slides my food through the slot in the door

So it's really not difficult to ace the survey is what I'm saying. Assuming everybody else can out-think the survey, it's not difficult to get matches regardless of who you are.

Once a 'match' has been made, you get an email telling you that a computer program feels you would be highly compatible with a 41 year old, 5'6, retail sales clerk in Brampton, Ontario who has two beautiful children.

Let's assume you're a 32 year old, 5'11, professional in Victoria BC who would want children only to harvest their organs. However, you do both enjoy spending time with friends and family so who knows? Maybe you two crazy kids might just make it!

Occasionally you'll get an email congratulating you that a match has requested communication. E-Harmony is stricter than the Amish when it comes to allowing open communication between the sexes. You simply can not begin emailing back and forth.

If you want to communicate with one of your matches you have to send them five even more probing questions that they answer and send back. I'm not sure what happens after that because I haven't been able to figure that out.

I have figured out that there is a particular type of man who finds me most alluring. He is bald. He is much older. He is short. He has at least 2.5 children and I make more money than he does. Based on the E-Harmony matches who want to probe me further - this is my kind of man.

I hate you E-Harmony.