Everybody's Got One.

You know who I'm talking about. The person in the office who will stab you in the back. Keep quiet track of when you arrive, how long you take for lunch and how early you leave. Agree with you over issues in private and leave you flapping in the wind during meetings. She demonstrates her softer side by noticing, every day, how tired you look. And telling you.

She's the Office Bitch.

She's subtle, so if you try to call her out on anything you end up sounding crazy.

"I was just concerned you weren't getting enough sleep..."
"I know we had talked about Option B, but I didn't think we had agreed on it..."
"I just think it helps to know where everybody is..."

She's the first one to lavish welcome and attention to anybody new to the office. She stops by to see how the newbie is doing, suggests they go for coffee or lunch together and always offers her help any time. She's available for anything. Anything at all.

Everybody else avoids her like Ebola, but nobody admits it. There's no obvious reason she's not included in the office jokes, and nobody seeks her out to chat about the weekend. The newbie will avoid her too, following about the time it takes to order in new desk supplies from Grand and Toy and figure out what the code for the printer/fax is.

Unless the newbie is really young. Or lonely. Or kind. Sometimes he doesn't know any better and goes for lunch, paraded around by the Bitch like a prize. Sometimes he seems relieved he's found a friend and sometimes he seems terrified because he's not sure how he ended up being very best friends with somebody before he even knows where the bathrooms are.

Luckily the Office Bitch gets tired of the game quickly, and always tosses the newbie. The novelty wears off, and it's time to start tracking the extra moments taken on breaks or accidentally not reading critical action-item emails. Th newbie is always either relieved, or sadly baffled at the sudden loss of his new buddy.

Often, the Office Bitch has a holiday sweater for every occasion, but not always. Sometimes the mature woman dressed in a sweater with a satin applique Santa Claus is just a Grandmother/Pollyanna or joker in desperate need of a laundry day.

The Office Bitch can be separated from a woman just wearing a tacky sweater based on whether or not there is acknowledgement of the tackiness of the item. A Grandmother whose granddaughter bought her the sweater will point this out. She will chuckle at the jingly bells hanging off of her matronly boob and we'll all appreciate the sweater because of it. The Office Bitch will offer no explanation for why she's dressed like a giant rancid elf, and nobody will ask.

Often the holiday sweaters are accompanied by the following items depicted as earrings:

• Jingle bells
• Easter eggs
• Halloween pumpkins
• Cats

The Office Bitch is always a cat lover. She doesn't just have a cat at home - she has a cat-themed cubicle complete with a calendar, mug and screen saver photo album. Strangely, the scariest Office Bitch will have the cat accessories, but not necessarily own a cat at all.

Forewarned is forearmed. Don't ask her for a favour. Don't let her see you come in from lunch with shopping bags. Don't let your guard down. And whatever you do, don't put her in charge of the birthday celebrations.