It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything, and there’s
quite a bit I could cover. There’s the
time I lost my job due to physical unattractiveness, my one and only marriage
proposal (revoked), the last several years I spent saving lives, my online
stalker and the time I reluctantly had my house cleaned by a naked woman. Obviously, I’ve been busy.
However, due to popular demand – I’m back. And by popular demand I mean one person
vehemently complaining (hi CH!) and she was likely drunk on pina coladas at the
time. So, this is for her.
This past year I took every single motivational quote I’ve
ever saved in Pinterest much too closely to heart and moved away from
everything I’ve ever loved in pursuit of a better career, or at least a great
deal of distance between me and an emotionally abusive boss.
While I am working in a higher-paying job that is less
likely to kill me both figuratively and literally than my last, I’m considering
an entirely new side career – providing advice to idiot men on online dating
sites.
Yes, I’m online dating again, an attempt to be more outgoing
only marginally more satisfying than relying daily on the staff at the Tim Horton’s
drive-through for what is often my only social interaction.
This potential side-career is conflicting. Partly because I’m not sure men would have
the good sense to realize when they’re in need of help, and partly because I
wouldn’t want to eliminate fair warning for other women.
I also wouldn’t want to pick on individuals – we’re all just
doing our best, dammit. Instead, I would focus on particularly egregious…groups. Like right now, as below.
The One-Nipple
Wonders
Hi! It was nice to see you making an effort with your
profile and getting creative! The shirtless bathroom mirror pic has been
overdone to death, and I appreciate your effort to pivot boldly toward
something different – holding up your shirt to expose just one nipple.
It intrigues me. It makes me think. Is there something special about that
particular nipple? Does it do…something? Do you even have a matching set, or
are you just really proud of the one on the right?
It’s tasteful. In my
long, harrowing and filled with suffering online dating experience, men who
post pics showing both nipples are too abrupt. Right away, they’re sending
messages like, NSA? DTF? Or using actual words, wanna fuck?
Women like a bit of nuance. Does he just
want NSA? Or is it 50/50? With two
nipples I’m sure of where I stand, but by coyly only showing one nipple – I’m
thrown off my game.
And I like it…but only if it does something special.
The Proud Fathers
Oh heeey. Oh, look at that! So many cute photos of you and
all your children! Seriously, how many children are in these photos? What are
you, some kind of cult leader? Who has this many kids all under the age of
five?? Never mind – you’re virile!
There’s probably not even that many
children, but I can’t tell them apart very well. My eyes just kind of glaze over and then I
get distracted wondering if I remembered to take my pill. Did I? Pretty sure I did. God I hope I did.
I see now it says right there in your write-up – three kids. They’re your biggest priority, blah blah, can’t
live without them, blah, love spending time with them…blah.
Look. I get the impression you strongly feel these kids are
a selling feature. Why else would your kids’ faces be appearing anywhere on a
dating app? Unlike single mothers who are often put on the defensive about their
children, you seem to feel women will love this shit.
Maybe some do. And
then there are those of us whose ovaries are cold, blackened and dead like our
souls. Kidding! They’re not actually cold.
That would be physically uncomfortable.
Not every woman wants children. Some women don’t want their own children, and
they surely as fuck will not want somebody else’s, so quit it with this shit.
However, if you wanted to show me pictures of you cuddling
puppies, I’ll be over here taking off my clothes.
The Wild Ones
Hello there! Congratulations on displaying a profile picture
that shows your face and not immediately asking if I’d be up for a
threesome. These are sad, desperate
times we live in but enjoy the accolades nonetheless.
Your photo didn’t make my skin crawl so let’s see what we
have in common! I see that your interests include, “hanging out,” and “Netflix.”
Ummm…
Dude.
This is default existing for most people fortunate enough to
live in North America. It’s like saying
your hobbies include respiration and digesting food. Everybody does these things all of the time.
Nobody needs to talk about it.
This is your chance to make yourself sound exciting. Woo me a little. I park really far away from the mall when I
go shopping so I say my interests include hiking. See how this works?
If you can’t even pretend to be interesting,
there’s very little hope you’ll ever achieve actual interesting.
Find a motherfucking hobby.
The Pollies
Jesus Christ. Yes, I
know what polyamorous means, thanks for asking. It’s not condescending at all
that you would double-check to make sure I know what it means, because it is a
long word with a shit-ton of vowels, so it’s possible I’d never heard of it and
basic illiteracy prevented me from answering your first three messages. Or fear
of vowels.
No other possible reason.
How delightful your “wonderful loving primary partner” is
totally OK with you seeking “fun options!” When I do set out to be an option for
somebody separate from their wonderful and loving primary partner, my biggest
priority would be making sure she was happy too. You’d be happy, she’d be happy
and I’d be a fun option. Polyamory is awesome!
Yes, I’ve actually read about polyamory, separate from
simply knowing what it means. It’s not condescending
at all that you would assume I’m making assumptions based on something I don’t
understand and this lack of understanding prevented me from answering now four
messages in a row.
I’m glad it’s working for you, and I especially hope it’s
working for your “primary partner.” I hope she’s getting hers. I can’t think of a single reason why she’d
need some sort of break from you otherwise, so I hope this arrangement works
wonders for you both. Only, it never
worked out for me.
Holy shit, what did I just say?? Why yes, I know all about
polyamory after being the fun option for close to ten years if you round
up. And it hurt me. It hurts me still.
Find another fucking fun option and don’t message me again.
